For me it has been a long process learning to live with abuse.
First there was shame. Shame over the fact that this happened to me. Shame cause I allowed it to happen. Shame because I didnt know wether it was right or wrong. At this point in my life I was already a big liar cause of other things in my life. I lied about everything. Maybe it was a way of getting attention. Maybe it was a way to feel something other than shame. But I was always on alert. Always watching. Making sure it didnt happen to anyone else, even tho I was just a kid.
Then denial and selfmedicating using alcohol, later drugs and a elaborate sexuallife. I was terrified of the bedroomdarknes and I was using sex to try to stop being afraid. I cried every time it was over and I was alone again. I hated everything I felt. I hated me!
After that there was "I just got to live with it". Where I was thinking oh well it has shaped me into who I am. How bad can I really be? He can just live his life how he wants, I wont say anything. I am just gonna be on alert and make sure it doesnt happen to others. Because I will be ok.
Now I live with the sorrow, the sadness and the anger, I am angry because he could do something like this to me. Angry because I allowed it to happen. I am sad because it ruined and ruins so much in me and around me. I am both sad and angry because he just doesnt say I am sorry, I know I did something wrong. Please forgive me. Because I know I can forgive. I am not one to want to distroy someone, I just want to know that he is aware that what he did wasnt normal. That he has really made his mark on me. I wanna get away from feeling like the big bad wold just because I am the one living with the damage done. At least thats how it feels.
I am sad because I dont know. I dont know why. I dont know if he knows what he did was wrong. That he ruined so much with what he did. That I am left here feeling broken. I dont know if I will ever get away from all these feelings. I dont know if this is the last bit of the process, that I can finally have peace. I want my life back. Please face what you have done to me. You dont have to tell the world, just tell me. It will stay with me. Because I hope the years have changed you and that this was a mistake cause you just didnt know better.
Living with abuse is hard. Maybe specially hard when you feel people dont belive you. When he walks around like he has done nothing wrong. When you sit there everyday reliving parts of what you have been through. When all you do is blame yourself. Why didnt I say no more clearly? Why didnt I tell an adult? Why did it all evolve into some kind of absurd loveaffaire because you just thought maybe it was suppose to be that way. But I was only a child. Was it my responsibility, should I have done more? Maybe not, but I was the one who should have said something. Even tho I was only a child. I think and think about it alot. Maybe it was all in my head. But why am I still so afraid. Why do I remember it all, why has it ruined me so much?
We need to step up!!!
We need to teach our children to speak up. About injustice done onto themselves and onto others. The adults need to get tougher. Tough enough to walk the mile. Tough enough to help those who have no voice, those who are afraid and lost. Those that dont know wether they need help or not. Those that dont know that things like this are wrong. We need to step up. We need to use our voice and speak up ourselves too. We need to learn that we can help.
One hand reached out might be what saves that one person.
I have now taken a very big step in the process of getting this over and done with. This has been a burden for me for many years. This is all to open our eyes. To make us pay attention, to reach out a hand where that one hand might be the difference between life and death, I wanna say despite pretty big psychological problems I have managed pretty well. I will be honest and say I have had my thoughts about ending it all, but my fear of death and my love for my family has kept me going. So a biiig thank you to all those who have been there for me throughout my life =)
Got to put a littl update. This was not someone caring for me, this person was alot younger than that.
- How would you have dealt with hearing about abuse?
- Would you be tough enough to walk the mile?
♥ Hugs from Lilli ♥
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