It is evening and dark outside now when I am sitting here writing this. I just thought I would share a little bit of myself in the early beginning of a new day. A little open and honest Lilli.
So where do I begin? Well I can say right off the bat that are you first my friend then you will always have a place in my heart. The ones that get in stay there. That goes for those I remember from my early childhood to those I will meet tomorrow. If you show you can be my friend then you will find your own little room in my heart.
But that wasnt really what I wanted to share in this post.
I just want to be allowed to tell you that I am not the perfect friend. I have a depression that at times fill my whole life so that there is only room for my closest family, like my children and my hubby. Even tho also he at times get placed on the sideline. But that doesnt mean I dont care. That doesnt mean I dont want to be your friend. That doesnt mean you cant say "hey, do you wanna do something today?". It really means the opposite. It helps me shift focus if someone says "hey, I am here. Do you wanna go take a cup of coffee?"
I dont mean anything bad with not being the one that gets in touch. I am just so terribly afraid to do so. I am so afraid to be rejected that I hide behind the safety of not being the one that gets in touch. But I promise I am a good conversation partner if someone gets in contact with me. I am also very carefull asking how are you. Why you might ask. Well because I myself sometimes dont really want anyone to ask me how I am. Why dont I want to be asked how I am? Well because then I have to start touching back into those dark feelings, and the stupid bad thoughts starts spinning again. And the focus is again back at the very thing I dont want to focus on.
I am not a bad friend, I am just so very much afraid. I can often cry myself to sleep because I wish to just wake up in the morning and say YES, I am the perfect friend. I CAN get in touch with people and I DONT have a depression anymore. The darkness is NOT within me anymore. But I cant. Unfortunatly the darkness fills me up each and every night. I dont controll it. The days go by ok cause I shift my focus onto what I have to, and that is my wonderful children. And I can finally say one thing, I have become a good mom. 9 years ago I wasnt, but with help I now am.
I want all of you that are my friends to know that I often think of you. I watch what you do, what happenes in your lives even tho I dont comment or like every thing you do I still see it. Sometimes I can catch myself looking at photos from happy gatherings of friends and wish and hope I had the same. But I am not the one that is tough enough to ask for it. Neither am I the one that can join in on everything. It is difficult to balance a life as fragile as mine. It doesnt take much to crush it. But at the same time my life is so strong.
I have come to the realisation that I am FUDGING strong that still am here. In the light of the media telling us all that the wonderful Robin Williams had taken his own life I started thinking about just that. I am just that, STRONG! I have fought a lonely battle for many many years. A battle against demons eating me up from the inside out. Demons I did not know I could get help with. Demons that made me think that I was normal to feel like this.Which is why I never asked for help.
But I am strong. I am a good friend, even tho I aint perfect. I have so much to give even if one have to ask for me to give it. I am just so afraid to offer it up on my own.
Soooo now I have cried myself through writing this post. Yeah yeah I know, probably silly of me. But it really means alot to be this honest with one self too.
+copy.jpg)